It needs a lot of time, energy and hard work. There are many different kinds of stepfamilies and each will have different strengths to build on and difficulties to overcome.

Some things that are different about stepfamilies:

The various people involved in the new stepfamilies may have very different ideas about what they want and how it will work. Some of these are not spoken out loud and can cause unexpected hitches. Grandparents, for example, may not want the new family. Teenagers may not be very enthusiastic, while the husband and wife and younger children could be looking forward to it. If these feelings are not out in the open and understood they can be stumbling blocks. Plans need to be openly discussed with everyone concerned.

Stepfamilies don’t start with an empty slate. There are always losses involved. For the children, the re-marriage might be the event that finally makes them give up their hopes that their parents will get back together again. This can happen even if the parents have been separated for many years.

The biggest thing for parents (and often the hardest) can be letting go of the ties from a previous relationship. The feelings that are aroused by separation and divorce or death are very powerful and can invade a new relationship. If you aren’t yet ready to let go of these feelings (e.g. if you still feel angry or sad or upset with your ex-partner) you need to get some professional support before you start a new partnership. This gives more chance for the new family to work well.

The Stepparent Support and Education Group meets monthly at Home & Family, facilitated by Don Rowlands, Family Counsellor and Wendy Duder, Parent Educator.