1 Try to get a pattern in the child’s contact with you or the other parent. This enables planning to occur and promises to the children to be kept.

2 Include children in your wedding ceremony,. It helps them to feel important in the new family. It could be a reading in church or playing the prerecorded music. Let them choose if they want to be involved.

3 It’s best if you can move to a different home from one that either of you has occupied. Consult your children on decoration in their bedrooms and on other decisions when possible.

4 Children feel they belong if they have their own space set aside for them even if it is just a set of drawers.

5 Christmas and holidays can be  a nightmare to arrange and meet everyone’s need to feel that they belong and that their history or rituals are being honoured. Rather than trying to see all the extended family on one day it may be better to spread the celebrations over several days or develop a new ritual just for your step family such as a pot luck picnic. It is important to talk about plans and options at least a month in advance.

6 Reassure your biological children of the special bond you have for them and make time to be with them separately.

7 Help your children to maintain their relationships with their biological extended family or whanau. They are an important part of your children’s history and a support net work for your children.

8 Family Counsellors, Step Parent Courses and Support Groups such as the Christchurch Group are valuable ways to learn from the experiences of others, the pit falls and how normal your experiences are. You can also learn some strategies that have worked to build step families.

Don Rowlands, family counsellor, co-facilitator Home & Family's Stepparent Support & Education Group